I'm offered sex as a favour because I'm disabled

Holly Dunstan, a 26-year-old woman, has bravely shared her experiences regarding the misconceptions surrounding disabled individuals and their relationships. At just 16 years old, Holly was confronted with a shocking question: could she have sex because she was disabled? This was not an isolated incident; over the years, she has faced numerous intrusive inquiries, such as whether she could engage in rough sex or if she needed to be in a wheelchair for intimacy. Holly lives with chronic pain and hypermobility syndrome, and she is one of many disabled women who are challenging the negative stereotypes and stigma associated with dating and relationships. Holly believes that it is crucial for society to see positive representations of disabled individuals in relationships. She began dating her husband, James, during her teenage years, and they have been together for nine years, culminating in their marriage earlier this year. Holly expressed her desire for the media to portray disabled people in a more uplifting light, stating, 'Often in the media, disabled people have miserable lives; we’re just a sad story. ' She wants to highlight that disabled individuals can experience love and happiness just like anyone else. Despite feeling supported by James, Holly has encountered stereotypes from others. Some people have suggested that if her health were to decline, James would leave her, labeling her as a burden. This notion has been disheartening for Holly, but she remains confident in the strength of their relationship. Holly also recounted her experiences in school, where classmates would ask her personal and often inappropriate questions about her life. She recalled how boys in her class would inquire whether she could only have sex in a wheelchair or if her joints would dislocate during intimacy. These questions made her uncomfortable, and she wishes people would think before asking such personal things. Additionally, Holly has received messages on social media from individuals who believe they are doing her a favor by offering to engage in sexual activities with her. She feels that this perspective is misguided and reflects a lack of understanding of her life. Holly longs for more positive narratives about disabled individuals in the media, citing the character Isaac Goodwin from the show 'Sex Education' as a rare example of a well-rounded portrayal of a disabled person. Another woman, Nicola Thomas, who is 38 and registered blind, shared her own experiences with societal perceptions of disabled individuals. Nicola stated that one of the most common questions she receives is, 'How do you have sex? ' This question is not only invasive but also deeply personal. Nicola lost her sight in one eye 15 years ago and in the other eye five years ago due to an autoimmune disease. Despite her challenges, she enjoys activities such as sailing and paddleboarding, and she is looking forward to traveling to Hong Kong with her boyfriend, Paul, who is also visually impaired. Nicola had a boyfriend when she lost her sight, but that relationship ended because she felt like a burden. Now, she and Paul navigate the world together, proving that their blindness does not hinder their ability to enjoy life. Nicola also expressed her frustration with how people treat her differently once they learn about her disability. She has received messages on social media from individuals seeking to date her, but their demeanor often shifts when they discover she is blind. She remarked, 'You’re definitely treated like they’re doing you a favor. It puts you off instantly. ' Nicola is determined to break down the stereotypes that society holds about disabled individuals, emphasizing that everyone deserves to lead a fulfilling life, regardless of their abilities. Kat Watkins, another advocate for disabled individuals, also spoke about the importance of exploring sexual identity and relationships. Kat, who uses a wheelchair, works for Disability Wales and believes that discussions about sex and relationships should not be taboo for disabled individuals. She stated, 'Living your life and enjoying yourself, that’s just part of life, and it doesn’t get highlighted enough for people with disabilities. ' Kat is passionate about increasing representation of disabled individuals in the media and believes that everyone should feel comfortable with their bodies. She also highlighted the availability of specialized sex toys and aids that can enhance confidence for disabled individuals, advocating for their presence in mainstream stores. Kat emphasized the significance of self-love and understanding one’s own body, asserting that everyone, regardless of their abilities, should have the right to explore their relationships and sexuality. The stories of Holly, Nicola, and Kat shed light on the challenges faced by disabled individuals in navigating relationships and intimacy. Their experiences highlight the need for greater awareness and understanding of the diverse lives of disabled people, as well as the importance of positive representation in media and society.