'People don’t talk about breastfeeding grief’

For many years, new mothers have been told that 'breast is best' when it comes to feeding their babies. This phrase is intended to encourage breastfeeding, but it can also create a lot of pressure for those who find it difficult to do so. Some women desperately want to breastfeed but are forced to stop earlier than they had planned for various reasons. A number of these women spoke to the BBC about their experiences with what they call 'breastfeeding grief. ' This term describes the intense sadness and even shame that can follow the decision to stop breastfeeding. Jemma Munford, who gave birth to her son Max in 2017, had hoped to exclusively breastfeed him. However, by the third day, she was struggling. 'I was sitting on the sofa, holding my baby, and I couldn’t stop crying,' she recalls. Jemma admits that she is still traumatized by the fact that her choice to breastfeed was taken away from her. She describes the following two weeks as 'hell' and dreaded every feeding session. Her son had a tongue-tie, a condition that makes it difficult for babies to latch onto the breast. At her lowest point, Jemma asked visitors to leave her home so she could hide in her bedroom, desperately trying to get her baby to latch. 'I found the experience of breastfeeding exhausting and embarrassing,' she adds. After a couple of weeks, her baby began to lose weight, and faced with the possibility of returning to the hospital, she decided to switch to formula milk. When her second child was born two years later, she made the decision not to attempt breastfeeding again, even though her newborn daughter did not have a tongue-tie. Jemma still struggles with her decision. 'I wasn’t able to do the most natural and unique thing a mother can do, and I felt ashamed - I still do,' she says. She believes she may have been suffering from postnatal depression, although it was not diagnosed at the time. Professor Amy Brown, a public health researcher who has written about breastfeeding grief, explains that feelings of sadness about breastfeeding experiences are quite common. 'Many women stop breastfeeding much earlier than they wanted to and feel let down or that they missed out on an experience,' she says. Research indicates that in the UK, 81% of women start exclusive breastfeeding, but only about 1% continue to do so after six months. The World Health Organisation recommends breastfeeding for the first six months of life, as it helps reduce the risk of sudden infant death syndrome, childhood diabetes, heart disease, and obesity. Globally, the percentage of infants under six months who are exclusively breastfed has reached 48%, which is a 10% increase over the last decade. Deepti, who is currently seven months pregnant with her second child, hopes her breastfeeding experience will be better than her first. She gave birth to her son in 2021 and faced challenges getting him to latch due to a tongue-tie. Even after the condition was corrected, she continued to have difficulties. Deepti decided to express her milk and feed him with a bottle, but found the routine to be impractical and relentless. 'It was every two hours, including during the night, and I felt like a failure - like I was doing a bad job,' she says. This demanding feeding schedule kept her from getting out of the house almost entirely. By the time her son was 12 weeks old, she switched to formula so she could enjoy time with him outside and attend baby classes, which are important for his development. A month later, Deepti learned that the tongue-tie procedure had been done incorrectly and needed further treatment due to scar tissue, but by then, it was too late to return to breastfeeding. Deepti felt a sense of shame and 'mum guilt' when using a bottle around her breastfeeding friends. 'No one ever judged me, but I felt ashamed I was bottle-feeding and sad that I couldn’t breastfeed like them,' she says. There are many reasons why mothers might stop breastfeeding. Some women experience sore, cracked, or bleeding nipples due to latching issues, while others may have low or high milk supply. Engorgement, which occurs when breasts become overly full with milk, can sometimes lead to mastitis, an infection caused by a blocked milk duct that results in soreness and pain during breastfeeding. Lisa Mandell from the International Lactation Consultant Association provides counseling and advice to women facing breastfeeding challenges. She emphasizes the importance of seeking expert lactation advice and support as early as possible. 'Breastfeeding should never be painful,' she states, adding that pain is a sign that a baby is not positioned or attached properly. 'Cessation of breastfeeding should never be viewed as a failure on the part of the mother,' she adds. Clare Murphy, director of Feed UK, highlights that infant feeding is not straightforward and that we should focus on supporting women, regardless of how they choose to feed their babies. 'No one - least of all mothers and their babies - benefits from an environment where women feel guilty and their mental health suffers because they have needed to use formula when they hoped to avoid it,' she says. Deepti plans to try breastfeeding again but insists she won’t put herself under the same pressure next time. 'I will 100% try again and I feel much more equipped now as I’ve already been through it once. ' Jemma’s son Max is now seven years old, but she still feels upset about her experience. She tearfully admits she has 'a deep and overwhelming regret that breastfeeding didn’t work out' but hopes that there is now more awareness in supporting all women, regardless of their feeding choices.