Why parents shouldn't always be 'in sync' with their children

Parents are often advised to be constantly attuned to their children and to respond to their every need. But is this always the right approach? It's crucial for healthy child development that children can form connections with their parents. Decades of research identified one key ingredient for this process: the coordination of parents' and children's behaviors during social interactions. Humans connect with each other by synchronizing in many ways. Called bio-behavioral synchrony, this involves imitation of gestures and the alignment of heartbeats and hormone secretion (like cortisol and oxytocin). Even brain activity decreases and increases in the same areas at roughly the same time when we spend time with others. Research has shown that brain-to-brain synchrony between parent and child can be beneficial, and tends to rise when a parent and child play, talk, or solve problems together. However, more synchrony is not always better. It can sometimes be a sign of relationship difficulties. A lot of current advice recommends parents to be constantly 'in sync' with their kids. It tells parents to be physically close and attuned to their children and to anticipate and immediately respond to their every need. The advice is building upon attachment theory and research, which show that higher synchrony is beneficial for child development and secure attachment formation. Yet, despite its good intentions, this advice misses several important details. For example, research revealed that there are times when parents and children are not 'in sync'. During these times, they may be doing separate activities, such as a child exploring something on their own or a parent working. They rather engage in a constant 'social dance' comprising being attuned to each other, failing to do so, and repairing this disconnect. And it's this flow of connection, disconnection, and reconnection that offers children an ideal mixture of parental support and moderate, useful stress that helps them grow. There can be negative consequences to parents and children constantly being tuned in to each other. For parent-child synchrony, more synchrony may not necessarily be better. Within a large international team of investigators, a study was conducted to investigate how parent-child bio-behavioral synchrony is linked to attachment. Brain activity was measured with functional near-infrared spectroscopy 'hyperscanning', and videos of interactions were recorded to assess behavioral synchrony. The study found that mothers who had an insecure, anxious, or avoidant attachment type showed more neural synchrony with their children. This suggests that higher neural synchrony may be the result of putting increased cognitive effort into the parent-child interaction. The findings indicate that high parent-child attunement can reflect interaction difficulties and can negatively impact the parent-child relationship. It is helpful for parents to be emotionally available and respond to their children's needs, but it is not necessary for them to be 'in sync' with their kids all the time. Children can also develop emotionally, socially, and cognitively, especially as they get older. What really matters is that the parent-child relationship functions well overall, and that children can develop trust in their parents.