Should you ever cut ties with your parents?

The question of whether to cut ties with one's parents is a complex and emotionally charged issue that many individuals grapple with throughout their lives. Estrangement, or the act of severing contact with family members, particularly parents, is more common than one might think. Research indicates that a significant number of people experience periods of estrangement from their parents, and the reasons behind these decisions can vary widely. Sarah, a young woman who chose to end her relationship with her mother shortly after her 21st birthday, provides a poignant example of this phenomenon. Sarah's decision was fueled by a combination of factors, including her parents' neglect during her birthday celebration and her mother's cold demeanor. Sarah felt that her mother was self-absorbed and uninterested in her life, often belittling her educational pursuits and pressuring her to contribute to the family farm. Most distressingly, Sarah felt betrayed by her mother's failure to protect her from her controlling and sometimes abusive father. For a period of two to three years, Sarah had no contact with her mother, and she described this time as liberating. However, when she eventually moved abroad, she felt compelled to reconnect with her parents, only to find that they acted as if nothing had happened. This lack of acknowledgment of their past issues led to further estrangement over the following decades. The decision to cut ties with one's parents is not one to be taken lightly. Researchers have noted that societal changes in how families are perceived may contribute to the increasing prevalence of estrangement. Lucy Blake, a senior lecturer in psychology, points out that there is still a stigma surrounding the topic of estrangement, making it difficult for individuals to discuss their experiences openly. A study conducted in 2022 revealed that 26% of respondents reported periods of estrangement from their fathers, while 6% reported similar experiences with their mothers. This data suggests that estrangement is a widespread issue, affecting many families across the United States. Another study found that 9% of participants had experienced estrangement from their mothers and 20% from their fathers over a 13-year period. Despite the growing awareness of estrangement, there is still a lack of comprehensive data on the long-term effects of these relationships. Some researchers, like Karl Pillemer, believe that estrangement is becoming more common, particularly as societal norms around family dynamics evolve. In previous generations, there was a strong emphasis on family loyalty, but this has shifted in recent years. Joshua Coleman, a clinical psychologist, argues that the rise of individualism has led people to prioritize their own happiness and well-being over familial obligations. This cultural shift may contribute to the increasing number of individuals who choose to distance themselves from their parents. Social media also plays a significant role in shaping perceptions of family relationships. It has become easier for individuals to connect with like-minded people online, and some influencers advocate for cutting ties with 'toxic' family members. Coleman notes that some therapists may label family members as having psychological issues without fully understanding the context of the relationship, which can exacerbate feelings of estrangement. However, it is essential to recognize that many individuals have valid reasons for choosing to cut ties with their parents, particularly those who have experienced abuse or neglect. Pillemer emphasizes that there should be no social stigma attached to this decision. His research indicates that estrangement often results from a buildup of minor negative interactions, such as tensions with in-laws or disagreements over family dynamics. In a poll conducted by Coleman, many respondents cited family issues or conflicts arising from divorce as reasons for their estrangement. Additionally, identity and sexuality can play significant roles in these decisions, with some parents refusing to accept their child's sexual orientation. Political differences have also emerged as a common reason for estrangement, with nearly one-fifth of respondents citing this as a factor. Blake's research in the UK revealed that many individuals attributed their estrangement to problematic parenting styles, such as harsh or controlling behavior. She emphasizes that emotional abuse is just as significant as physical abuse and should not be overlooked. As children, we often rely on our parents for guidance and support, but as we grow older, the dynamics of these relationships change. Coleman and Pillemer acknowledge that emotional abuse is a complex issue that can be misinterpreted. Sometimes, adult children may have mental health challenges that lead them to view their parents in a negative light, even if those parents were supportive. It is crucial to consider the broader context of a parent's life when evaluating their parenting choices. Pillemer shares a story about a mother and her estranged son who had not seen each other for 25 years. The mother had faced significant challenges in her life, including an abusive relationship, and made choices to protect her family. The son, however, struggled to understand his mother's decisions at the time. Coleman also highlights the experiences of single mothers who work tirelessly to provide for their children, often at the expense of their own well-being. Understanding the motivations behind a parent's actions can help individuals find peace and clarity in their relationships. It does not necessarily mean that they must forgive or maintain contact with their parents, but it can alleviate some of the emotional burden associated with estrangement. Cowley, a philosopher, suggests that individuals should carefully consider the long-term implications of cutting ties with their parents. Would they still feel comfortable with their decision if their parent were to pass away? Keeping lines of communication open may provide opportunities for future conversations and understanding. The principle of treating others as one would like to be treated is a valuable guideline in navigating these complex relationships. It is essential to reflect on how one might feel if their own children were to judge their parenting based on contemporary standards. We all make mistakes, and it is crucial to recognize that memories of childhood may not always be accurate. Coleman points out that many individuals struggle with conflicting memories of their parents, and cutting ties can provide a sense of relief from these internal conflicts. Ultimately, the question remains: does cutting ties lead to happiness? For many individuals, the answer is yes. Surveys indicate that adult children often report feeling better after making the decision to distance themselves from their parents. However, for parents, estrangement can be a source of heartbreak and confusion. Blake notes that estrangement can be isolating, particularly during holidays when families typically come together. If someone is considering cutting ties with their parents, it is essential to have a support network in place. Many individuals who experience estrangement eventually reconcile with their parents. Sarah's story illustrates this point, as she has reestablished limited contact with her mother. She expresses empathy for her mother's struggles, recognizing that her mother has faced significant challenges in her life. Ultimately, parents do not owe their children a perfect upbringing, and children do not owe their parents endless gratitude. What both parties owe each other is understanding, empathy, and a willingness to engage in open communication.